I deserve to be loved, why can’t I find it?
It’s Sunday and you are out in the park jogging or walking your dog, through your sunglasses you see a couple passing by, they are holding hands, smiling and having a chat, they seem to be peacefully happy and in love. You notice those couples on the way home from work, in coffee shops, supermarkets, etc. Your imagination completes the image by picturing them in their cozy house, sitting on the couch, hugging and reading a book. And every time the same questions pop up in your mind: why am I not like this?
Why can’t I form a happy and stable relationship and have other people see me fulfilled and in love with my partner in the park? I’m a good person and I deserve to be loved, why doesn’t anyone stick with me? Am I going to be alone forever?
We blame luck, we regret lost opportunities, we feel very sorry about our selves and horribly lonely, but the real question we have to ask ourselves: are we ready to enter in a long-lasting relationship without fears, neediness or numbness that exhausted all the past ones? Why do we deal with love and relationships like a fearful, needy kid even long after our teenage years?
The recent studies about the mind developed by the founder and director of the Bosurgi Syndrome Institute’s Luca Bosurgi offers a logical explanation to this and the culprit is codependency. Up to now codependency has been the label given to the condition that makes people cling on someone, but this, according to Luca, is only a byproduct of a much more important condition.
Luca’s opinion is that codependency is a key instinct provided by nature to keep us next to our parents and allows them to educate us during childhood. We all know how much kids need to feel dependent upon their parents to learn and to stay safe, without codependency the relationship between parents and kids would be totally unmanageable.
When kids are becoming young adults well trained by their parents to become self-sufficient and take their lives into their own hands, the temporary instinct of codependency is supposed to be terminated. This should typically happen around puberty. But if this instinct carries on when we step into adulthood, it keeps us on the leash of our childhood fears, habits and behaviors. This condition has been named Bosurgi Syndrome.
This typically happens because parents are often incapable to give children sound leadership based on unconditional love, validation and clear guidance. They act either too dismissive, too hard, too intense or too weak. As a result we come out of childhood without an adequate model to become self-sufficient adults and release codependency. And so we grow old and keep depending on others for love, safety and happiness becoming pleasers, feeling needy or numb, with fears of rejection, judgment and abandonment, and totally unfit for love.
No wonder relationships turn into a sort of commodity: a source to get a precious appreciation and validation. And even though sometimes we think we give all this love to someone, but they still run away, think about the ‘place’ it is coming from. If it is a fear of loneliness and a way to secure love and devotion of the partner, then it produces a lot of anxiety and as a result an unhealthy relationship. We are surprised that people don’t stick with us despite the fact that we did all what we could to make them happy. The reality is a codependent adult is still in a vulnerable and selfish receiving position of ten-year-old, scared to be alone, unloved and neglected. This creates tons of fears, lack of self-confidence and desperation, putting us in such a weak position that either we run to avoid pain or we glue ourselves to potential partners. The story goes on and repeats itself with every new date making us feel not good enough and hopeless.
In all terms being in codependency and trying to satisfy a hurt kid inside of you is not to your advantage. The good news is that there is a way to get rid of the Bosurgi Syndrome and form a real, healthy and longstanding partnership.
Bosurgi Syndrome, the instinct of childhood can be logically terminated by the mind, setting it free from feeling lonely, needy and scared of being rejected and abandoned. The way to achieve it is to learn how to master ‘leading yourself’ in order to become self-sufficient and independent. Luca has spent many years studying this process and has written a novel about it, “The Mind Shaman,” published on Amazon.
The method that we use in the Bosurgi Syndrome Institute involves a healing journey of 15 sessions aiming to establish personal leadership and self-love. This helps reconsider your life from this position and set new mechanisms of actions defined by confidence and power. It enables you to become a self-sufficient adult and enjoy the connection with yourself and your partner, see their personality and create a mutually comfortable relationship.
My story is a bit like the one of Liam, the main character of The Mind Shaman book. I first joined Luca’s work as a client a few years ago while I was still doing my second master’s degree in psychology and his concept made total sense to me. His methodology had a dramatic effect on my life to the extent that I decided to join his team. It feels very rewarding to help people to permanently come out from the horror of adult codependency and to see them enjoying life and love for the first time. I was there before, now I’m on the other side: free from crippling dependencies and fears, empowered to do what I really want to do, fulfilled in my appreciation of life and love. I’m happy to share with you all what I’ve learned and it’s positive effect on my life.