A kinder, gentler philosophy of success
A fantastic talk in which Alain de Botton questions our definition of sucess and and offers an unexpected yet brilliant interpretaion of a successful person: click here to watch the talk
Dating games and why do we play them?
Is your intention to find a person who you can have a good trustful relationship with? And you are meeting potentially suitable partners and in the beginning everything goes well, but after a little while you start being aware about the words, phone calls, text messages, initiation of dates and activities, etc. The poor mind gets caught in the game of the rules, impulses, desires and fears of rejection and judgment. However, on the background of this battle your consciousness keeps raising the question: why can’t things be easy and natural? Why can’t we just agree that we like each other and start acting as our real selves?
To answer this question you can think of your first relationship or dating experience. Most of the young people follow their hearts for the first time with hopes and sincerity until the first rejection comes into scene. We all know how it felt and most of us didn’t want to experience it again. Going forward, we start using the rules of a dating game as a form of protection from being hurt.
We start trusting the rules because they are supposed to lead us in the right direction and create the best outcome whether it is going into the relationship or dating a variety of people. Just like any other rules which are created to support our life and make it easier and better, we start relying on the rules and we allow them to lead us, making decisions for us and directing our actions. Why? Because we don’t trust ourselves, we are too scared of stepping into the territory where the risks are higher, but the rewards are much more satisfying too. What we often forget, though, is that going after what we truly believe in, regardless of the result, is empowering by all means because it allows us to follow our true selves instead of being part of the game. When we are not confident in ourselves and afraid that the other person will not like us for who we are, we trust the rules and we believe that they will put us in a safer place.
What is the downside of playing the game? We feel worn out because we become dependent on the rules, we are not acting according to our desires and impulses, which is what we want to, we are doing what we have to or what is expected of us.
Expectations are another interesting phenomena. We create expectations of other people and we create our own ideas of what they expect from us. So we start living in an imaginary world of our fantasies about what is going on, reacting not to the real person’s actions and words, but to our own interpretation of them. What makes it even funnier is that we take it very seriously and blame the other person for not fulfilling our expectations of them. But with all the fairness, why should they?..
So, how do we get from being open and sincere young people to confused and disappointed adults? We get lost in fears of being rejected and judged, we long for acceptance and hence adopt the social norms and rules because they seem to be the path for achieving our goals of unity. We rely on the external resource to make us happy just like later in the relationship we rely on the other person to make us feel good. However after a while later living together we find out that our partner has changed, rules don’t seem to apply anymore and we experience the sense of disappointment. The reality is that the other person has just become comfortable and become themselves. But are we always prepared to deal with the real person instead of someone driven by rules and expectations? If we are not, we start the game of getting control, attention, love, etc.
There is an escape from the game though. It’s called self-leadership and self-sufficiency. How do you reach it? By repositioning your relationship with the world. It is a fairly easy concept which completely changes your paradigm of thinking. To explain it, let’s go back to the nature of humans and the mechanisms of survival. When we are born, we are dependent on the care, love and leadership of our caretakers. We rely on external sources to help us be comfortable and learn how to live on our own. When we reach puberty, we are supposed to become independent and take the responsibility for own life and wellbeing. However, if during our childhood we didn’t quite learn how to do it, we will keep relying on external sources to provide us love, attention, acceptance, safety and guidance. Why does it happen? Sometimes our parents don’t give us a good example of an independent, happy and self-sufficient life. Sometimes they don’t make us feel good enough and that we can make it on our own by exercising control, criticism or establishing a lot of rules. Love and attention become conditioned and life becomes a competition for getting those precious resources. A recent theory by L. Bosurgi calls this reliance on the external world in adult life an overextended natural instinct of codependency or Bosurgi Syndrome. To terminate it, a person needs to become the leader of their own life, provide to themselves love, acceptance, validation and leadership and become responsible for their personal, professional and emotional success. Self-love and acceptance is the way to love and relate to others without depending on them. If we accomplish this, we become immune to what the world thinks of us, to the games, rules, etc. We will make our own rules based on our values and principles and we will be choosing partners and relationships not out of a place of need and fear, but out of a place of our desire and a conscious choice.
What Drives Relationships?
Over the years of talking to different people about relationship and marriage, I’ve noticed several common traits in people’s motivation to be in a relationship. I’m sure each one of us can relate to one of them thinking about our own relationships at some point in time. These common traits are: emotions (love, excitement, affection, care, connection, etc.); fear of loneliness; having a role or a status of a boyfriend or girlfriend (feeling of belonging); support of specific needs (accommodation, financial support, emotional support, etc.).
Let’s look at these four motivations for starting a relationship, all of them are legitimate and fair, and all of them have one fundamental thing in common: they start with self-deficiency. We are lacking happiness, we feel lonely or needy for attention and love, we are afraid to be ourselves and want to jump into a role of a boyfriend/girlfriend to be someone, and finally we just need to survive and want someone else to take care of us.
Then we start dating and we start sensing if the other person is giving in and allowing us to source what we are lacking. If this is the case, we consider it to be a successful relationship and progress with it. However if the other person becomes resistant to providing us with what we are looking for, we resent, depress, increase our efforts to get it, victimize ourselves or just leave blaming the other person for failing the relationship.
Then we start the next ‘treasure hunt’ with another person and most likely find ourselves in the same situation as before. We wonder why does the pattern repeat? Because the self-deficiency is still there and most likely we are looking for partners who can patch up our hole. However the other person is not responsible for doing this. The responsibility to fix ourselves first is on us. Only after we take care of our deficiency, we can relate to the other person on the basis of our shared goals and values instead of our unfulfilled needs.
The mechanism which keeps us revolving around our deficiencies putting us through the same life experiences is codependency. Not in the way we are used to think about it though. Codependency, as defined by Luca Bosurgi, is a healthy instinct which helps children get through their childhood, stay safe around their parents and learn from them, receive love, validation, acceptance and guidance and then become independent at the time of puberty. If the parents don’t give these important things to their child, he doesn’t learn how to love and lead himself and stay emotionally dependent on other people or circumstances (work, beauty, etc.) for receiving love, validation and leadership. This need creates self-deficiency which creates unfulfillment in relationships.
The way to break the chain of similar events and relationships is to move the source of love, validation and leadership from the external world to self: take responsibility for own life, take care of own needs and make your own happiness and fulfillment a priority. Because if we don’t care about ourselves, no one else will.
Does your mind serve you or you serve your mind?
Look Up
‘Look Up’ – A spoken word film for an online generation.
‘Look Up’ is a lesson taught to us through a love story, in a world where we continue to find ways to make it easier for us to connect with one another, but always results in us spending more time alone.
Growth vs Fixed Mindset video
A video that explains the difference between a person who has a growth mindset and person who has a fixed mindset
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8JycfeoVzg
A Pound of Red Apples (A story about relationships)
Imagine that you have a friend named Mary. Mary has 3 green apples, but you need a pound of red apples. Logically it would have made sense to go to the market and buy a pound of red apples from someone who is ready to sell you a pound of red apples, but the market is too far and who knows if there are apples there at all? What if it is closed down for inventory or maintenance? Meanwhile your friend Mary is here, right in front of you and she is cool. So you make a brave assumption that somewhere Mary should have a pound of red apples. Deep in her heart. You also believe that if you apply necessary efforts, she will give them to you, which is what you really want.
“Hey Mary, do you want to go to the movies?” you say with a nice smile on your face. Mary is surprised, but most likely she wants to go, especially because you pretend you really want to take her out. So you take Mary to the movies, but interestingly enough a pound of red apples doesn’t appear after this. “What the heck?” you think and then take her out for coffee. You take her dog for a walk, paint her walls, fix her car, but nothing happens. “What a witch!” you think indignantly, however offer for her to move in with you. The price of red apples is now sky high. Forget about the market, now you need to get your apples specifically from Mary. You tell yourself that she is your fate and now it is pretty clear how the story will end: the day will come when someone will be screaming “I have given you my life, and you can’t find the bloody apples for me?!” And someone else will be sobbing and saying: “I don’t have any apples, why in the world have you decided I do?”
And, honestly, why did you decide that? I purposefully don’t consider the situation when deceitful Mary laboriously misleads you because she simply likes to go to the movies (although often this is exactly what happens). However in many cases we, ourselves, are not quite honest in our intentions and other people eventually don’t have what we are looking for: a pound of red apples, a wish to have five kids with us, an intention to spend vacations together, an ability to have honest conversations, and trivially – loving us. Consequently they don’t have a capability to demonstrate this love. And this is normal, just like it is normal to want all these wonderful things.
What is not normal is to racketeer trying to shake out from the first nice person who come our way something that they don’t have, just because somewhere deep in their heart they may still have it.
They don’t. If someone has something for you, they will gladly give it to you by themselves. Not from the depth of their heart, but from all of it.
Selfishness is a very common thing in relationships. We often want to be happy the way we think we need to be happy coming to the relationship with the specific agenda. Or we simply hope that the other person will make us happy, take away the loneliness and bring stability and comfort. This reliance on the external source of love and comfort makes us blind to the needs of our partner and go after securing relationship benefits for ourselves. In the end it creates a lot of dissatisfaction, misunderstanding and disappointment.
The reason for selfishness is our inability to be good with ourselves, to love ourselves and not to be emotionally dependent on our partner. This happens because we may still be in the emotional position of a child who is expecting to receive love, attention and guidance from the parents. This condition is called overextended childhood codependency, or Bosurgi Syndrome.
The way to get out of this dependency is to establish our own leadership over our life, find the meaningful purpose and get comfortable with our true identity. One of the ways to do it is CognitiveOS Hypnosis therapy which helps clients to terminate childhood codependency, revise their goals, enable themselves to be emotionally independent, start living in the moment and feel comfortable with themselves no matter what.
Reader’s question – I have read and in the process of rereading your book, “The Mind Shaman”.
I have read and in the process of rereading your book, “The Mind Shaman”. You have described my challenges as if you know me. How can I, a ten year old (50 real years), get the help to change my life? What can I do for myself to effect real change?
Answer:
Hello,
let me highlight several important points coming from the Bosurgi Syndrome theory:
1. we have 3 dimensions: body, mind and spirit (self). Body exists and functions in the real world. Mind provides the best and safest mechanisms for body functioning. Spirit (self) has a role of an executive function which keeps you on track to achieve your goals and purpose;
2. mind has a service function supporting the spirit (self) and helping it to achieve the goals. The mind is not meant to lead. It relies on the leadership of the spirit (self) or, if it’s not there, of somebody or something else (e.g. work, beauty, etc.);
3. overextended codependency happens because the mind relies on the leadership of somebody or something else
4. in order to clear the codependency, leadership and responsibility needs to be moved from the external world to spirit or self.
You may be discouraged by several failures and lost trust in yourself (of your spirit). You need to start building this trust by creating small successes and accomplishments. This will start creating confidence and make you believe that you can.
Start from your goals, from your purpose, why are you here? And what talents do you have to help you accomplish this purpose? This will bring meaning to your life.
Then create a specific description of how you want to be in 2-3 years from now and build a very specific plan of how to get there. It takes time and thinking, but it is worth it. Accept the fact that no one is going to do it for you and no one will make you happy, unless you take the responsibility for it. Stop thinking like a victim, no one owes you anything, but you can take whatever you want. Guide yourself with your future goals, if you keep looking back, your past will keep determining your future. If you aspire to achieve something what you really want, your future will start determining your present. Stop creating stories why you couldn’t achieve the result, it keeps you in a bad place, what matters is if you have done something or not.
Take a piece of paper and write down all the good things you have in your life, is your situation really the worst? Every evening for two weeks write all the goods things that happened during that day. This will shift your focus from negative to positive.
And finally look around and see who is your crowd? Are they happy and successful people or someone who complains? Happiness and success are contagious as well as unhappiness and bad habits. Work on your environment and make sure it supports your goals, not drags you down.
If you take these steps, you are leading, taking responsibility for yourself, your life and your happiness.
I’m also referring you to this article on our blog that you may find helpful.
To stay or to leave?..
How many of us had relationships where this question has never been raised at least hypothetically? We either ask it to ourselves or worry that it may be a concern of our partner. In either case thinking about separation brings discomfort, anxiety, uncertainty, guilt, fears, frustration, etc.
In some of my trainings I conduct a little exercise. I write ‘separation’ in the middle of a flip chart and ask people to write their association with this word on a post-it note and stick it to the flip chart. No surprise, 95% of the associations are negative. We like to have and we don’t like to let go.
To help you with this struggle, I suggest a different view on separation. In the physical world we live in separation is an inescapable reality. “In the world nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes.” once said Benjamin Franklin. So why does the most certain thing in the world bring us so much anxiety and uncertainty?
Separation is a basis of our life’s cycle. As we grow up we separate from our parents to live our own lives and create our own families. We join and separate a lot of educational institutions, groups of friends, clubs, jobs, locations, etc. Later on in life we separate from our own children when they leave home, from our older family members who pass away and so on until our own death.
So what is the idea behind the separation? A friend of mine, Olivia Bareham, who is a specialist in death and dying said, “We only love and enjoy something because we know that one day it will no longer be there. That’s why we enjoy fresh flowers and don’t enjoy fake ones.” Separation, or knowing that one day things will come to their end, changes our perspective, makes us improve, change, do things better, value what we have, enjoy the relationship with another person. Separation is healthy, otherwise our lives will be full of old things, people and situations. Every separation gives us back a part of ourselves and reminds us of our own value, identity and purpose. It helps us break the old dysfunctional patterns and ties, face reality and change it for the better.
So how can we embrace the idea of separation and include it in our life’s journey? First of all we need to realize that the only person who will stay with us till the very end is ourselves. Other things, people or situations are external to us and can change or part from us at any time. Thus the only thing worth investing into is ourselves.
When we create clear and healthy boundaries with the external environment, cutting all the dependencies and assuming ownership and leadership of our own lives, we become the managers of ourselves always choosing what is better for us. Some people call it selfishness, but if you think about it, it’s the opposite. To live the way you want is not selfish, it is selfish to expect others to think and live the way you want.
In the ideal situation our parents bring us to our teen years with enough support, leadership, care and love. This allows us to separate from them mentally and physically and become self-sufficient. This first significant and important separation in our lives sets the tone for the way we approach and handle ourselves in relationships, personal and professional, and in other situations in our lives. If this separation is compromised, the instinct of childhood codependency stays active which prevents the person from creating a safe and trustful connection with the world.
You may guess what happens next. People grow in age and size, but keep relying on external sources of leadership, guidance, love, attention and validation. This condition is called Bosurgi Syndrome. It creates vulnerability, hence anxiety, fears and make people feel unsafe. In this context any separation is considered by the mind as a threat to the emotional and physical safety of the person creating a lot of pain and discomfort. It also keeps the person in the position of a receiver, e.g. I need to receive attention, validation, love and guidance from others in order to feel safe and good about myself. Again, separating from the sources of these emotions becomes very stressful. A self-sufficient person who leads and loves themselves, becomes a giver and views separations not as a personal horror, but as a natural process of life change. A giver doesn’t see in their partner a provider of emotional or physical comfort, but makes a choice based on the qualities supporting a strong and trustful connection.
If an unsatisfying relationship is part of your life and your mind is full of doubts and dilemmas, remember the first important separation in your life, separation from your parents, and think about the nature of your connection with them in the present. If you find any traces of trying to prove yourself to others, feeling not good enough, guilt, anger, control, etc. it may mean that it’s time to work through those unproductive feelings and dependencies, and set yourself free to make the choices out of your personal confidence, peace and independence.
To learn more about adult codependency, the Bosurgi Syndrome, it’s consequences, treatment and prevention, visit the website. You can also ask your questions on our blog.
The Habits Of Supremely Happy People
Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology, theorizes that while 60 percent of happiness is determined by our genetics and environment, the remaining 40 percent is up to us.
Seligman describes three different kinds of happy lives: The pleasant life, in which you fill your life with as many pleasures as you can, the life of engagement, where you find a life in your work, parenting, love and leisure and the meaningful life, which “consists of knowing what your highest strengths are, and using them to belong to and in the service of something larger than you are.”
After exploring what accounts for ultimate satisfaction, Seligman says he was surprised. The pursuit of pleasure, research determined, has hardly any contribution to a lasting fulfillment. Instead, pleasure is “the whipped cream and the cherry” that adds a certain sweetness to satisfactory lives founded by the simultaneous pursuit of meaning and engagement.
And while it might sound like a big feat to tackle great concepts like meaning and engagement (pleasure sounded much more doable), happy people have habits you can introduce into your everyday life that may add to the bigger picture of bliss. Joyful folk have certain inclinations that add to their pursuit of meaning — and motivate them along the way.
They surround themselves with other happy people.
Joy is contagious. Researchers of the Framingham Heart Study who investigated the spread of happiness over 20 years found that those who are surrounded by happy people “ are moe likely to become happy in the future.” This is reason enough to dump the Debbie Downers and spend more time with uplifting people.
They smile when they mean it.
Even if you’re not feeling so chipper, cultivating a happy thought — and then smiling about it — could up your happiness levels and make you more productive, according to a study published in the Academy of Management Journal. It’s important to be genuine with your grin: The study revealed that faking a smile while experiencing negative emotions could actually worsen your mood.
They cultivate resilience.
According to psychologist Peter Kramer, resilience, not happiness, is the opposite of depression: Happy people know how to bounce back from failure. Resilience is like a padding for the inevitable hardship human beings are bound to face. As the Japanese proverb goes, “Fall seven times and stand up eight.”
They try to be happy.
Yep — it’s as simple as it sounds: just trying to be happy can boost your emotional well-being, according to two studies recently published in The Journal of Positive Psychology. Those who actively tried to feel happier in the studies reported the highest level of positive moods, making a case for thinking yourself happy.
They are mindful of the good.
It’s important to celebrate great, hard-earned accomplishments, but happy people give attention to their smaller victories, too. “When we take time to notice the things that go right — it means we’re getting a lot of little rewards throughout the day,” Susan Weinschenk, Ph.D. told The Huffington Post in May. “That can help with our moods.” And, as Frank Ghinassi, Ph.D. explains, being mindful of the things that do go your way (even something as simple as the barista getting your coffee order right) can make you feel a greater sense of accomplishment throughout the day.
They appreciate simple pleasures.
A meticulously swirled ice cream cone. An boundlessly waggy dog. Happy people take the time to appreciate these easy-to-come-by pleasures. Finding meaning in the little things, and practicing gratitude for all that you do have is associated with a sense of overall gladness.
They devote some of their time to giving.
Even though there are only 24 hours in a day, positive people fill some of that time doing good for others, which in return, does some good for the do-gooders themselves. A long-term research project called Americans’ Changing Lives found a bevy of benefits associated with altruism: “Volunteer work was good for both mental and physical health. People of all ages who volunteered were happier and experienced better physical health and less depression,” reported Peggy Thoits, the leader of one of the studies.
Givers also experience what researchers call “the helper’s high,” a euphoric state experienced by those engaged in charitable acts. “This is probably a literal “high,” similar to a drug-induced high,” writes Christine L. Carter, Ph.D. “The act of making a financial donation triggers the reward center in our brains that is responsible for dopamine-mediated euphoria.”
They let themselves lose track of time. (And sometimes they can’t help it.)
When you’re immersed in an activity that is simultaneously challenging, invigorating and meaningful, you experience a joyful state called “flow.” Happy people seek this sensation of getting “caught up” or “carried away,” which diminishes self-consciousness and promotes the feelings associated with success. As explained by Pursuit-of-happiness.org, “In order for a Flow state to occur, you must see the activity as voluntary, enjoyable (intrinsically motivating), and it must require skill and be challenging (but not too challenging) with clear goals towards success.”
They nix the small talk for deeper conversation.
Nothing wrong with shootin’ the you-know-what every now and then, but sitting down to talk about what makes you tick is a prime practice for feeling good about life. A study published in Psychological Science found that those who take part in more substantive conversation and less trivial chit chat experienced more feelings of satisfaction.
“I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings,” is one of the top five regrets of the dying — a sentiment that hints at the fact that people wish they’d spent less time talking about the weather and more time delving into what it is that makes their heart swell.
They spend money on other people.
Maybe money does buy happiness. A study published in Science found that spending money on other people has a more direct impact on happiness than spending money on oneself.
They make a point to listen.
“When you listen you open up your ability to take in more knowledge versus blocking the world with your words or your distracting thoughts,” writes David Mezzapelle, author of Contagious Optimism. “You are also demonstrating confidence and respect for others. Knowledge and confidence is proof that you are secure and positive with yourself thus radiating positive energy.” Good listening is a skill that strengthens relationships and leads to more satisfying experiences. A good listener may walk away from a conversation feeling as if their presence served a purpose, an experience that is closely connected with increased well-being.
They uphold in-person connections.
It’s quick and convenient to text, FaceTime and tweet at your buddies. But spending the money on a flight to see your favorite person across the country has weight when it comes to your well-being. “There’s a deep need to have a sense of belonging that comes with having personal interactions with friends,” says John Cacioppo, Ph.D., the director of the Center of Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago. Social media, while it keeps us in touch, doesn’t allow us to physically touch, which harvests the warm-and-fuzzies and even decreases feelings of anxiety.
They look on the bright side.
Optimism touts plenty of health benefits, including less stress, a better tolerance for pain and, as HuffPost Healthy Living recently reported, longevity among those with heart disease. When you choose to see the silver lining, you’re also choosing health and happiness.
Seligman summed up perhaps the greatest characteristic of the optimist in one of his most acclaimed books, Learned Optimism:
The defining characteristic of pessimists is that they tend to believe bad events will last a long time, will undermine everything they do, and are their own fault. The optimists, who are confronted with the same hard knocks of this world, think about misfortune in the opposite way. They tend to believe defeat is just a temporary setback, that its causes are confined to this one case. The optimists believe defeat is not their fault: Circumstances, bad luck, or other people brought it about. Such people are unfazed by defeat. Confronted by a bad situation, they perceive it as a challenge and try harder.
They value a good mixtape.
Music is powerful. So powerful, in fact, that it could match up to the anxiety-reducing effects of massage therapy. Over a three month period, researchers from the Group Health Research Institute found that patients who simply listened to music had the same decreased anxiety symptoms as those who got 10 hour-long massages. Choosing the right tunes could be an important factor, however, as a happy or sad song can also affect the way we perceive the world. In one experiment where researchers asked subjects to identify happy or sad faces while listening to music, the participants were more likely to see the faces that matched the “mood” of the music.
They unplug.
Whether by meditating, taking a few deep breaths away from the screen or deliberately disconnecting from electronics, unplugging from our hyper-connected world has proven advantages when it comes to happiness. Talking on your cell could increase your blood pressure and raise your stress levels, while uninterrupted screen time has been linked to depression and fatigue. Technology isn’t going away, but partaking in some kind of a digital detox gives your brain the opportunity to recharge and recover, which — bonus — could increase your resilience.
They get spiritual.
Studies point to a link between religious and spiritual practice and mirth. For one, happiness habits like expressing gratitude, compassion and charity are generally promoted in most spiritual conventions. And, asking the big questions helps to give our lives context and meaning. A 2009 study found that children who felt their lives had a purpose (which was promoted by a spiritual connection) were happier.
Spirituality offers what the 20th-century sociologist Emile Durkheim referred to as “sacred time,” which is a built-in, unplugging ritual that elicits moments of reflection and calm. As Ellen L. Idler, Ph.D., writes in “The Psychological and Physical Benefits of Spiritual/Religious Practics,”:
The experience of sacred time provides a time apart from the “profane time” that we live most of our lives in. A daily period of meditation, a weekly practice of lighting Sabbath candles, or attending worship services, or an annual retreat in an isolated, quiet place of solitude all of these are examples of setting time apart from the rush of our everyday lives. Periods of rest and respite from work and the demands of daily life serve to reduce stress, a fundamental cause of chronic diseases that is still the primary causes of death in Western society. Transcendent spiritual and religious experiences have a positive, healing, restorative effect, especially if they are “built in,” so to speak, to one’s daily, weekly, seasonal, and annual cycles of living
They make exercise a priority.
A wise, albeit fictional Harvard Law School student once said, “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy.” Exercise has been shown to ease symptoms of depression, anxiety and stress, thanks to the various brain chemicals that are released that amplify feelings of happiness and relaxation. Plus, working out makes us appreciate our bodies more. One study published in the Journal of Health Psychology found that exercise improved how people felt about their bodies — even if they didn’t lose weight or achieve noticeable improvements.
They go outside.
Want to feel alive? Just a 20-minute dose of fresh air promotes a sense of vitality, according to several studies published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology. “Nature is fuel for the soul, ” says Richard Ryan, Ph.D., the lead author of the studies. “Often when we feel depleted we reach for a cup of coffee, but research suggests a better way to get energized is to connect with nature.” And while most of us like our coffee hot, we may prefer our serving of the great outdoors at a more lukewarm temperature: A study on weather and individual happiness unveiled 57 degrees to be the optimal temperature for optimal happiness.
They spend some time on the pillow.
Waking up on the wrong side of the bed isn’t just a myth. When you’re running low on zzs, you’re prone to experience lack of clarity, bad moods and poor judgment. “A good night’s sleep can really help a moody person decrease their anxiety,” Dr. Raymonde Jean, director of sleep medicine and associate director of critical care at St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital Center told Health.com. “You get more emotional stability with good sleep.”
They LOL.
You’ve heard it before: Laughter is the best medicine. In the case of The Blues, this may hold some truth. A good, old-fashioned chuckle releases happy brain chemicals that, other than providing the exuberant buzz we seek, make humans better equipped to tolerate both pain and stress.
And you might be able to get away with counting a joke-swapping session as a workout (maybe). “The body’s response to repetitive laughter is similar to the effect of repetitive exercise,” explained Dr. Lee Berk, the lead researcher of a 2010 study focused on laughter’s effects on the body. The same study found that some of the benefits associated with working out, like a healthy immune system, controlled appetite and improved cholesterol can also be achieved through laughter.
They walk the walk.
Ever notice your joyful friends have a certain spring in the step? It’s all about the stride, according to research conducted by Sara Snodgrass, a psychologist from Florida Atlantic University.
In the experiment, Snodgrass asked participants to take a three-minute walk. Half of the walkers were told to take long strides while swinging their arms and holding their heads high. These walkers reported feeling happier after the stroll than the other group, who took short, shuffled steps as they watched their feet.
The Huffington Post | By Kate Bratskeir Posted: 09/16/2013 8:35 am EDT
Create no more pain in the present
“The pain that you create now is always some form of nonacceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is. On the level of thought, the resistance is some form of judgment. On the emotional level, it is some form of negativity. The intensity of the pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment, and this in turn depends on how strongly you are identified with your mind. The mind always seeks to deny the Now and to escape from it. In other words, the more you are identified with your mind, the more you suffer. Or you may put it like this: the more you are able to honor and accept the Now, the more ore you are free of pain, of suffering – and free of the egoic mind.
Why does the mind habitually deny or resist the Now? Because it cannot function and remain in control without time, which is past and future, so it perceives the timeless Now as threatening. Time and mind are in fact inseparable.
Yes, we need the mind as well as time to function in this world, but there comes a point where they take over our lives, and this is where dysfunction, pain, and sorrow set in. The mind, to ensure that it remains in control, seeks continuously to cover up the present moment with past and future, and so, as the vitality and infinite creative potential of Being, which is inseparable from the Now, becomes covered up by time, your true nature becomes obscured by the mind. An increasingly heavy burden of time has been accumulating in the human mind. All individuals are suffering under this burden, but they also keep adding to it every moment whenever they ignore or deny that precious moment or reduce it to a means of getting to some future moment, which only exists in the mind, never in actuality. The accumulation of time in the collective and individual human mind also holds a vast amount of residual pain from the past.
If you no longer want to create pain for yourself and others, if you no longer want to add to the residue of past pain that still lives on in you, then don’t create any more time, or at least no more than is necessary to deal with the practical aspects of your life. How to stop creating time? Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have. Make the Now the primary focus of your life. Whereas before you dwelt in time and paid brief visits to the Now, have your dwelling place in the Now and pay brief visits to past and future when required to deal with the practical aspects of your life situation. Always say “yes” to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to something that already is? What could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say “yes” to life – and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.
The present moment is sometimes unacceptable, unpleasant, or awful. It is as it is. Observe how the mind labels it and how this labeling process, this continuous sitting in judgment, creates pain and unhappiness. By watching the mechanics of the mind, you step out of its resistance patterns, and you can then allow the present moment to be. This will give you a taste of the state of inner freedom from external conditions, the state of true inner peace. Then see what happens, and take action if necessary or possible. Accept – then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life.”
Ekhart Tolle “The Power of Now”
Are Relationships Ruled by the Heart or the Mind?
This essay brings to your attention the two very frequent scenarios of behaviors in relationships. A lot of people go through similar experiences and wish to change the situation. I suggest a different view at the problem, in fact, I shouldn’t call it a problem, rather an adaptive mechanism of your mind. This perspective shows you why your mind believes that it needs to apply the dysfunctional behaviors. The reason is the instinct of codependency which, if failed to terminate at puberty, prevents you from being self-sufficient. It holds the key to turning the situation around by fulfilling the critical needs of your mind and hence stopping the crippling codependency.